remorse

i haven't posted for the longest time here but since something came up i just had to write my thoughts down... last night i had a few drinks with friends and we toasted to celadon and the sorrows of life... yes there are many different kind of sorrows in life and one must be so happy as to not have them all at the same time... but still these sorrows... one will always encounter... the good thing about last night was i was with friends... there were people at my side... we were able to tell each other our opinions and reactions and even give advice to each other... but my post today isn't really about last night... it is about an acquaintance of mine who also has encountered one of these sorrows... the big difference is that he was at his house all alone with no one and most likely he had no one to confide to... he is now dead... i don't know why but i wasn't too surprised when i heard about it... imagine the feeling of having problems and no one else is there with you... it shows the importance of your friend's presence... your family for that matter... it shows how a simple gesture might have been able to save a life... a simple chat... a simple pat on the shoulder... or maybe even a hug... i personally feel a bit of regret that this person took his own life... it was such a waste... the problem he had could have been worked out... it was actually in the process of being fixed... but instead of patience he drew on the power of despair... no one knows why he did that... i just wish that by doing what he did he found the peace in his life that he was searching for... as for those who read this... may you all find the importance in life... to choose to live...

ripped off

when it rains it pours... it's really weird but somehow when things don't go to well... they just get worse... when you pray for something good to happen... something bad has to happen first... or i hear good news and it is immediately followed by bad news... somehow it always reminds me about the balance between good and evil in this case good luck and bad luck... just today my digicam got stolen... yah, i know it was my carelessness because i left my bag unattended but still why did it have to happen just when my trip was about to end... the good news is that all of my pictures were saved in my laptop so that means our trip wasn't all in vain... thank God my mom told me to bring my laptop so that i can save the pictures there... ( actually the laptop has kept me preoccupied during morning and nights that i have nothing to do here so double thanks hehe ) this was really something i didn't expect... i was having so much fun with that digicam and i liked all the features and it was just so easy-to-use... and now it's gone... i didn't exactly mope about it but i just feel bad that it's gone... some part of me was even thankful that it wasn't my whole bag that got stolen and only that digicam... i'm pretty sure we will get a new one but this experience is something that i will never forget and i guess that is all i have to hang on to, the memory of losing it...

it's really sad if you lose something... and well somehow it is during these times that we realize how important these things are to us... a camera may be replaced and so the effect isn't that great except for the wallet... but some stuff that is hard or can't even be replaced can leave a mark so great it is actually permanent... i really hope that most of us can realize what is important even before we lose it that way we can avoid permanent damage and perhaps even take good care of what we have... i know i will...

expectations

so near yet so far... i just received my grades through text from enzo (thanks for proxying me) and well they were high but not high enough to get to the dean's list... i just feel frustrated that i could get my grades this high and i never worked harder for it... i really feel a little extra push from myself could have probably placed me in the dean's list already... maybe i set my expectations too high... i really don't know... this sem has really been a mix of good and bad for me and all i really wanted was something to be really happy about... maybe that is why i wished on my grades to be high so that at least it could cheer me up... but well fate had to put me down like that... i had to put myself down like that... i don't know why but i guess when you expect something to turn out well... most of the time it doesn't and all you end up doing is disappoint yourself in the end... when in fact when you expected something you were really disappointing yourself from the beginning...

why do we set expectations... what good does it really do... if you reach your expectations fine you become happy but if you don't then you feel sad... more often than not you don't reach it and well you become sad... so why set it at all... do you get sad if you don't set it... why make somthing that you can probably do without... expect nothing then all you have to do is accept it when it comes to you...

well i guess it was really designed that way that we dream up stuff and we try to attain it... failure may be part of it just to help us realize that getting what we want is really hard... when you strive for something good it will make you realize that it is really worth striving for... it doesn't come free of charge and it will just show you that along the way you really have to push yourself harder... such a harsh reality but i guess its there to always remind us of what we are working hard for... in the end it will help us make attaining it more fruitful and rewarding... i just hope that i will be able to experience that feeling...

exam

finally, the finals are over! one semester down and well three more to go before medicine proper... so far this sem has been a great sem so far... my grades are quite high except for one make or break subject... organic chemistry... i really can't get myself to study that subject... no matter how hard i try... anyway the past is past and that is finally over... i'm so glad that there won't be any chem next semester hehe...

well these exams have really drained me... but it however has allowed my mind to think of something that happened just this july... my friend had a debut and she invited her teachers to say a few words for her... there was this one teacher who had prepared a speech and it was one that wasn't easy to forget... one of the few words that comes first into the mind upon mentioning the word teacher is "exam"... well this word was the topic of the teacher's speech... he said "life is just a big exam... but it isn't true or false type or... multiple choice or... fill in the blanks... it is an essay type exam..." (paraphrased by me) anyway the point he made was very clear... life wasn't about making mistakes and paying for it... life was way more than that... if ever there was a choice that was made in life... be it good or bad... there always is time to stand by it or make up for it... as long as you are still alive... the essay only ends when you're dead and that is when people can say whether you've written a great life or a wasteful one... the power in the teacher's words did not only come from his experience as a teacher but also as a student in life's lessons... and similarly all of us are able to understand the simplicity of this concept of life... that in this exam... pass or fail can only be determined at the end...

as i reminisce hearing these words of wisdom from the teacher... i think about my own life and how i've written it so far... i think about the choices that i've made and didn't make... i think about the things i've done and haven't done... and well there isn't much to say yet... but surely there is still time to make something out of it... to make a seemingly meaningless existence meaningful... how is a good question... but why is more important...

choice

"The heart decides, and what it decides is all that really matters. All of us had this experience. At some point, we have each said through our tears, 'I'm suffering for a love that's not worth it.' We suffer because we feel we are giving more than we receive. We suffer because our love is going unrecognized. We suffer because we are unable to impose our own rules. But ultimately there is no good reason for our suffering, for in every love lies the seed of our growth... -- because those who love conquer the world and have no fear of loss. True love is an act of total surrender." - excerpt from a book by Paulo Coelho

this is something i found from a friend's blog and i just can't help but make a blog just because of this quote... somehow it is able to express clearly and beautifully how i personally view my situation... a lot of people (thank you to all of you) have already heard of my problem and have offered me very good pieces of advice... unfortunately, i stubbornly decline to follow any of them... and this i do because i feel that in any scenario it is always the choice of the person involved that should prevail over the rest... again, i thank all those who have shown that they care but somehow i have to say sorry that i am unable to comply to what some have already suggested... it is simply too hard... or simply impossible in my current situation...

actually i found it funny that for days i’ve been trying to think of ways on how i can expound on the quote and it just dawned on me that the quote needs no more expounding… it states a reality plain and simple… words that are easily understood… there is just one thing i’d like to point out… how separate our hearts are from ourselves… when we say that it is our heart’s decision… how much involvement does the rest of our body have with that decision… fine it is easy to blame the heart for any irrational decision made but somehow i believe that the heart will never be able to retaliate and show us that what it has decided we’ve probably set in motion a long time ago… feelings that it has felt were just a part of our bodies extending ourselves… we would have never felt anything if we stayed inside our shells and avoided any social contact… by making that first attempt to reach out to others we’ve already opened our hearts to the possibility to feel… we’ve given it the power to decide for us… we are responsible for it… hence the blame doesn’t lie entirely on our hearts but it goes back to the heart’s owners…us…thus it isn’t the heart that totally surrenders…we ourselves commit that act of total surrender…

crushed

i want to remember this date and time... nobody needs to ask why... but i can try to describe it to you... the feeling... of being blind... of being stupid... of being crushed... it's a sinking feeling as if you're about to drown... your chest feels tighter and tighter... hard to breathe... pain sets in... you writhe... you struggle... you lose... don't bother getting up... it will just pull you down more... it's hell... if one can even imagine it... i experienced it once before... i never thought i'd experience it again so soon and so much more painful... i can't seem to understand why... but i guess we are not meant to understand we are just meant to accept it... the hardest thing to accept is that the blame lies on yourself... I... a single letter that is to be blamed... i am angry at myself... i got myself into this... and i can't get myself out of it... it's no one else's fault... how can it be... you did this to yourself... laugh... laugh at yourself... and pity yourself... that's it... that's the only way to go...

i've caused myself pain... somehow i believe i'm not the only one who does that... now i regret it... wait, there's something wrong there... i don't regret it... why should i... pain is a part of life...i've mentioned this before... somehow that was foreboding but back to the topic... self-inflicted pain... the glory of it lies in who inflicts it... none other but yourself... ironic... some might think it is... for me... it's normal... it's even special...

oh in case someone decides to tell me that's how life is... that is the worst way of trying to cheer me up... i've heard that before... i've said that to myself many times... therefore this is what i say to myself now... wallow in your sadness... swim in your misery... don't hide from it... don't push it away... embrace it... love it... oh now i've said it... a word so powerful it can kill... i still believe in that word... damn it though... because now i can't get out... i guess i have to live with it... why i'd do that... why continue to be stupid... no reason... i guess it's better to live knowing your stupid rather than live just to find out you are... and since i've said the word... love... well... what can i say... it's paradoxical... i'm miserable yet happy... happy that there is someone better... someone more worthy... i won't even try to compare myself... i'd throw myself away and not even reconsider that action... when someone throws garbage away that person doesn't think twice about it... i can't believe it... i sound bitter... but i'd rather consider myself as bittersweet... a mixture... i'm still sane... but i think i'd rather not be... i'm bits and pieces... some may try pick me up and put me back together... surely pointless... i'm crushed...

no reason

im enjoying the last few hours of my weekend...it actually started only three hours ago...it makes you wonder why it didn't start yesterday and the reason for that is ACET duty... i had to wake up at 5am yesterday to report to school for ACET duty... and well let's just say it can really take away a whole saturday and in my case a sunday too... all we did there was just guard entry and exit points, assist applicants, eat free food, and do whatever they ask us to do... it seems boring and well to most people, pointless, and here is where my insight comes in...is it really?

people have asked me what reasons i have for continuing service to what they think is a very useless organization...i've always shrugged and told them well for the sake of continuing for the sake of service...in reality...no reason at all...i just do what i do... no deep reflection or anything... it seems that people have closed their minds on the issue...what is worthless will always remain that way... sometimes it just sticks to their head whatever they've heard here and there...

funny thing is that i've never mentioned anything good or any perks you get when you continue ROTC... this is what people also usually ask... why spend more than 24 hours of your weekend for ROTC of for this matter, the school... and well the question seems senseless to me because i think that sometimes no reasons are needed... and this doesn't apply only to ROTC but it extends to any other organization/cause/commitment i have passion for... it seems that having no reason just keeps you going... because if there is a reason that you do something and that reason disappears well i guess too bad for that something right? what am i getting at here well...to be honest... nowhere... somehow even writing stuff on this blog can be considered pointless to the extent that you can just laugh at yourself for simply reading the words i've typed and wasting your precious time which could have been spent on better tasks which i'm quite sure you have enough reason to prioritize...

and finally the twist sets in...is there really no reason? or maybe i've failed to recognize it... if i did i'm sure glad that i did! at least... i'm not bound by it...

lastly, i challenge you to think about this... am i really just talking about work?

negative thinking

argh...just had my organic chemistry long test a while ago...i can't help but think that i did bad in it...and what do people say...that's life...

lately, as i have been going through this roller coaster ride in my head, i can't help but think negative thoughts in such a way that it has already corrupted my mind to become very pessimistic...

i really miss the optimist in me...seeing a brighter way through every problem...seeking a better alternative...dreaming...ah now that is one thing i haven't been able to do for quite some time...

what has happened to me...why do i feel so different now...somehow all the things i've experienced lately have affected me so much that i didn't even notice myself change...i guess most of us don't...

we either face the things that come to us and just learn to accept them or sometimes we deny them and run away from them...i think i did too much accepting...and now here i am feeling so depressed with my own thoughts...the real irony in this is that i'm doing this to myself and there is nothing i can do about it because it was something set in motion by my previous actions...talk about getting caught in your own web of thoughts...

i end this post with a reminder to myself that there is still some optimism inside of me that clamors to be set free again...to set my thinking back to how it was...my pessimism however discourages me to think of how i may be able to do so...

inevitable

this blog is quite postdated... this was supposed to be about my philo orals... waaah fate is so cruel... even though i tried my best to prepare for orals last week it was just not meant to be as the strong rain kept me away from school and forced me to move my orals to this week...my hell week... i tried to squeeze in my orals sched on monday so that i could prepare AGAIN during the weekend yet fate was there again to bump my schedule to tuesday in which i had a Genetics long test that was moved from last thursday because of the strong rain... talk about delaying the inevitable...monday night i was struggling hard to study for Genetics and at the same time thinking about how dreadful philo orals might be...talk about having a divided mind... i was unable to focus at the task at hand...of course studies were not the only thing going through my head...there are still other factors which i simply cannot set aside...

anyway after the Genetics long test on tuesday which i think went so-so...i decided to focus on my philo orals...i read the thesis statements a few times and internalized what i was going to say about them...i gathered information from other people so that i could hear their insights (thank you to all those who tried to help me :D)... but there was this one thesis statement that i couldn't figure out it was about repetition (roughly translated from Filipino)...this was the only thesis statement that i couldn't grasp no matter how i tried...i just hit a wall in my head thinking that all my thoughts about that thesis statement made no sense at all...

eventually as the hours slowly passed by it was time for my philo orals...i still hadn't figure out what that thesis statement meant so i just left it to fate that i would get a different number on the dice...as i casted the dice i just smiled to myself when i saw that the number on the dice was the number of the thesis statement that i dreaded...that was it...my fear for the inevitable...as i tried to constitute my thoughts i could hear myself babble nonsense and the teacher's face was not getting any happier...i just had to accept the fact that for this orals i wouldn't be able to get a high grade...i surrendered myself to fate and well...fate got me...

indolentia

the play was great yesterday! even if it was my second time to watch it! ;) the movie that we watched before was also great hehe :D the night was great too because there was a lot of Celadon people in Oody's... the food...ice monster afterwards...whee it was surreal! :D to top it all off i got some alcohol in my system in the early morning which really cleared my head! :D when i was back home at 230am i immmediately changed to my sleeping clothes and dropped into bed! :D then came the realization that something was still amiss... i had just experienced momentary indolentia : freedom from pain...

even if everything about yesterday was great and it easily thwarted off some of my sad thoughts eventually the experience was short-lived... reality always comes back to haunt you... a night out with friends may be fun but your friends do not hang aroung you 24 hours and once you are alone again everything just comes back...

and when everything comes back hmmm... how do i say it... ahhh all hell breaks loose in your head... it's like a geyser that was plugged and the pressure just pops the plug out of place...after a while the thoughts run around your head...and eventually will settle down so that everything is just as it was...chaotic...

somehow i'm not deeply saddened that my mind is thrown back into chaos again because it makes me realize the importance of having some company around you... having people around really helps "distract" you from your normal thoughts and gives you a well-deserved break! and because of this i dedicate this blog to those i was with last night and this early morning "thank you very much!" :D

side note: even if the thinking causes pain...it really is hard to stop... i don't love pain... but it's essential... so is thinking...

sentimental value

i recently had an insight on something that i had to write about immediately...

i am a very sentimental person and what i mean by this is that i love attaching meanings to simple stuff sometimes even pieces of paper that according to my mom looks like junk... my mom on the other hand just loves to throw away useless stuff or at least those that look useless... this is a serious source of conflict since there are some stuff that i do not want thrown away but she insists...

why am i saying this...well, even if i could hate my mom for doing what she wants sometimes i really have to prove myself right that keeping some "useless" stuff is also good and now i have proof... after scanning through some of my junk i stumbled upon a handwritten letter from my mom which dates back 8 years ago (10-24-96)! there was even a time as to when exactly the letter had been written (3:25pm) if my math is right then i was only ten at the time... this seemingly "useless" paper was a letter for me saying that while my mom was at the seminar she was thinking of me...right pretty sappy... but my point here is that certain stuff such as these should not be just thrown away... aside from the simple yet very sincere message that it carries, the value attached to it is priceless!

somehow, this insight has let me to believe that i am still sane and that my mom's constant nagging of throwing stuff away has to stop...who knows another "useless" piece of paper may actually turn up at the right time and show how meaningful a relationship a mother and son should have...

skotodinio

wow! my first blog! i never thought i'd give it a try but here i am hehehe (thanks to a friend who invited me, i finally tried it out!) :D

anyway, to start this off i'd like to introduce my blog title "without wax" a lot would probably ask what it means but as a teaser, i will not tell anyone what it means! :D hehe

as for the title of this post...let's just say i was studying too much philo...i was supposed to have my midterms last wednesday but due to the bad weather (woohoo!!! or awww...) i wasn't able to go to school for the oral midterms...

the term skotodinio is Greek i think and it means spiralling into darkness (roughly translated from Filipino)

this is how i see myself right now as i try to answer questions on my own and as i venture around my head for answers i might never find in there...yes that's right, i'm a thinker and somehow this nature of mine has been both a curse and a blessing...

a blessing for me because it gives me great pleasure to think of a lot scenarios but a curse because i just can't stop thinking...plunging deeper into the darkness...an endless cycle of thinking...it does get tiresome but eventually after a moment of rest the spiralling continues...

thanks to daph i was able to find this and somehow it does appropriately describe what i am like

i guess that is just about all i can say for the meantime, and since this is a feeble attempt to write a blog the next entry might take a while hehehe

important note: today happens to be the birthday of my twinlet, Elaine! Happy Happy Birthday! :D