crushed

i want to remember this date and time... nobody needs to ask why... but i can try to describe it to you... the feeling... of being blind... of being stupid... of being crushed... it's a sinking feeling as if you're about to drown... your chest feels tighter and tighter... hard to breathe... pain sets in... you writhe... you struggle... you lose... don't bother getting up... it will just pull you down more... it's hell... if one can even imagine it... i experienced it once before... i never thought i'd experience it again so soon and so much more painful... i can't seem to understand why... but i guess we are not meant to understand we are just meant to accept it... the hardest thing to accept is that the blame lies on yourself... I... a single letter that is to be blamed... i am angry at myself... i got myself into this... and i can't get myself out of it... it's no one else's fault... how can it be... you did this to yourself... laugh... laugh at yourself... and pity yourself... that's it... that's the only way to go...

i've caused myself pain... somehow i believe i'm not the only one who does that... now i regret it... wait, there's something wrong there... i don't regret it... why should i... pain is a part of life...i've mentioned this before... somehow that was foreboding but back to the topic... self-inflicted pain... the glory of it lies in who inflicts it... none other but yourself... ironic... some might think it is... for me... it's normal... it's even special...

oh in case someone decides to tell me that's how life is... that is the worst way of trying to cheer me up... i've heard that before... i've said that to myself many times... therefore this is what i say to myself now... wallow in your sadness... swim in your misery... don't hide from it... don't push it away... embrace it... love it... oh now i've said it... a word so powerful it can kill... i still believe in that word... damn it though... because now i can't get out... i guess i have to live with it... why i'd do that... why continue to be stupid... no reason... i guess it's better to live knowing your stupid rather than live just to find out you are... and since i've said the word... love... well... what can i say... it's paradoxical... i'm miserable yet happy... happy that there is someone better... someone more worthy... i won't even try to compare myself... i'd throw myself away and not even reconsider that action... when someone throws garbage away that person doesn't think twice about it... i can't believe it... i sound bitter... but i'd rather consider myself as bittersweet... a mixture... i'm still sane... but i think i'd rather not be... i'm bits and pieces... some may try pick me up and put me back together... surely pointless... i'm crushed...