choice

"The heart decides, and what it decides is all that really matters. All of us had this experience. At some point, we have each said through our tears, 'I'm suffering for a love that's not worth it.' We suffer because we feel we are giving more than we receive. We suffer because our love is going unrecognized. We suffer because we are unable to impose our own rules. But ultimately there is no good reason for our suffering, for in every love lies the seed of our growth... -- because those who love conquer the world and have no fear of loss. True love is an act of total surrender." - excerpt from a book by Paulo Coelho

this is something i found from a friend's blog and i just can't help but make a blog just because of this quote... somehow it is able to express clearly and beautifully how i personally view my situation... a lot of people (thank you to all of you) have already heard of my problem and have offered me very good pieces of advice... unfortunately, i stubbornly decline to follow any of them... and this i do because i feel that in any scenario it is always the choice of the person involved that should prevail over the rest... again, i thank all those who have shown that they care but somehow i have to say sorry that i am unable to comply to what some have already suggested... it is simply too hard... or simply impossible in my current situation...

actually i found it funny that for days i’ve been trying to think of ways on how i can expound on the quote and it just dawned on me that the quote needs no more expounding… it states a reality plain and simple… words that are easily understood… there is just one thing i’d like to point out… how separate our hearts are from ourselves… when we say that it is our heart’s decision… how much involvement does the rest of our body have with that decision… fine it is easy to blame the heart for any irrational decision made but somehow i believe that the heart will never be able to retaliate and show us that what it has decided we’ve probably set in motion a long time ago… feelings that it has felt were just a part of our bodies extending ourselves… we would have never felt anything if we stayed inside our shells and avoided any social contact… by making that first attempt to reach out to others we’ve already opened our hearts to the possibility to feel… we’ve given it the power to decide for us… we are responsible for it… hence the blame doesn’t lie entirely on our hearts but it goes back to the heart’s owners…us…thus it isn’t the heart that totally surrenders…we ourselves commit that act of total surrender…

crushed

i want to remember this date and time... nobody needs to ask why... but i can try to describe it to you... the feeling... of being blind... of being stupid... of being crushed... it's a sinking feeling as if you're about to drown... your chest feels tighter and tighter... hard to breathe... pain sets in... you writhe... you struggle... you lose... don't bother getting up... it will just pull you down more... it's hell... if one can even imagine it... i experienced it once before... i never thought i'd experience it again so soon and so much more painful... i can't seem to understand why... but i guess we are not meant to understand we are just meant to accept it... the hardest thing to accept is that the blame lies on yourself... I... a single letter that is to be blamed... i am angry at myself... i got myself into this... and i can't get myself out of it... it's no one else's fault... how can it be... you did this to yourself... laugh... laugh at yourself... and pity yourself... that's it... that's the only way to go...

i've caused myself pain... somehow i believe i'm not the only one who does that... now i regret it... wait, there's something wrong there... i don't regret it... why should i... pain is a part of life...i've mentioned this before... somehow that was foreboding but back to the topic... self-inflicted pain... the glory of it lies in who inflicts it... none other but yourself... ironic... some might think it is... for me... it's normal... it's even special...

oh in case someone decides to tell me that's how life is... that is the worst way of trying to cheer me up... i've heard that before... i've said that to myself many times... therefore this is what i say to myself now... wallow in your sadness... swim in your misery... don't hide from it... don't push it away... embrace it... love it... oh now i've said it... a word so powerful it can kill... i still believe in that word... damn it though... because now i can't get out... i guess i have to live with it... why i'd do that... why continue to be stupid... no reason... i guess it's better to live knowing your stupid rather than live just to find out you are... and since i've said the word... love... well... what can i say... it's paradoxical... i'm miserable yet happy... happy that there is someone better... someone more worthy... i won't even try to compare myself... i'd throw myself away and not even reconsider that action... when someone throws garbage away that person doesn't think twice about it... i can't believe it... i sound bitter... but i'd rather consider myself as bittersweet... a mixture... i'm still sane... but i think i'd rather not be... i'm bits and pieces... some may try pick me up and put me back together... surely pointless... i'm crushed...

no reason

im enjoying the last few hours of my weekend...it actually started only three hours ago...it makes you wonder why it didn't start yesterday and the reason for that is ACET duty... i had to wake up at 5am yesterday to report to school for ACET duty... and well let's just say it can really take away a whole saturday and in my case a sunday too... all we did there was just guard entry and exit points, assist applicants, eat free food, and do whatever they ask us to do... it seems boring and well to most people, pointless, and here is where my insight comes in...is it really?

people have asked me what reasons i have for continuing service to what they think is a very useless organization...i've always shrugged and told them well for the sake of continuing for the sake of service...in reality...no reason at all...i just do what i do... no deep reflection or anything... it seems that people have closed their minds on the issue...what is worthless will always remain that way... sometimes it just sticks to their head whatever they've heard here and there...

funny thing is that i've never mentioned anything good or any perks you get when you continue ROTC... this is what people also usually ask... why spend more than 24 hours of your weekend for ROTC of for this matter, the school... and well the question seems senseless to me because i think that sometimes no reasons are needed... and this doesn't apply only to ROTC but it extends to any other organization/cause/commitment i have passion for... it seems that having no reason just keeps you going... because if there is a reason that you do something and that reason disappears well i guess too bad for that something right? what am i getting at here well...to be honest... nowhere... somehow even writing stuff on this blog can be considered pointless to the extent that you can just laugh at yourself for simply reading the words i've typed and wasting your precious time which could have been spent on better tasks which i'm quite sure you have enough reason to prioritize...

and finally the twist sets in...is there really no reason? or maybe i've failed to recognize it... if i did i'm sure glad that i did! at least... i'm not bound by it...

lastly, i challenge you to think about this... am i really just talking about work?

negative thinking

argh...just had my organic chemistry long test a while ago...i can't help but think that i did bad in it...and what do people say...that's life...

lately, as i have been going through this roller coaster ride in my head, i can't help but think negative thoughts in such a way that it has already corrupted my mind to become very pessimistic...

i really miss the optimist in me...seeing a brighter way through every problem...seeking a better alternative...dreaming...ah now that is one thing i haven't been able to do for quite some time...

what has happened to me...why do i feel so different now...somehow all the things i've experienced lately have affected me so much that i didn't even notice myself change...i guess most of us don't...

we either face the things that come to us and just learn to accept them or sometimes we deny them and run away from them...i think i did too much accepting...and now here i am feeling so depressed with my own thoughts...the real irony in this is that i'm doing this to myself and there is nothing i can do about it because it was something set in motion by my previous actions...talk about getting caught in your own web of thoughts...

i end this post with a reminder to myself that there is still some optimism inside of me that clamors to be set free again...to set my thinking back to how it was...my pessimism however discourages me to think of how i may be able to do so...

inevitable

this blog is quite postdated... this was supposed to be about my philo orals... waaah fate is so cruel... even though i tried my best to prepare for orals last week it was just not meant to be as the strong rain kept me away from school and forced me to move my orals to this week...my hell week... i tried to squeeze in my orals sched on monday so that i could prepare AGAIN during the weekend yet fate was there again to bump my schedule to tuesday in which i had a Genetics long test that was moved from last thursday because of the strong rain... talk about delaying the inevitable...monday night i was struggling hard to study for Genetics and at the same time thinking about how dreadful philo orals might be...talk about having a divided mind... i was unable to focus at the task at hand...of course studies were not the only thing going through my head...there are still other factors which i simply cannot set aside...

anyway after the Genetics long test on tuesday which i think went so-so...i decided to focus on my philo orals...i read the thesis statements a few times and internalized what i was going to say about them...i gathered information from other people so that i could hear their insights (thank you to all those who tried to help me :D)... but there was this one thesis statement that i couldn't figure out it was about repetition (roughly translated from Filipino)...this was the only thesis statement that i couldn't grasp no matter how i tried...i just hit a wall in my head thinking that all my thoughts about that thesis statement made no sense at all...

eventually as the hours slowly passed by it was time for my philo orals...i still hadn't figure out what that thesis statement meant so i just left it to fate that i would get a different number on the dice...as i casted the dice i just smiled to myself when i saw that the number on the dice was the number of the thesis statement that i dreaded...that was it...my fear for the inevitable...as i tried to constitute my thoughts i could hear myself babble nonsense and the teacher's face was not getting any happier...i just had to accept the fact that for this orals i wouldn't be able to get a high grade...i surrendered myself to fate and well...fate got me...