eleventh

happy eleventh monthsary! just one more month to go... i love you very much lainey!

tenth

happy tenth monthsary! i love you my angelainey!

survival

studying to become a doctor is no joke... something that has become a mantra all these years of aspiring to become one... but mantras are not enough... it takes a real experience to make the feeling more tangible... just barely two days of classes in ust medicine and i'm already staggering... i seldom get sick and when i usually do it really is a bad sign... my head has been aching everytime i get home and i feel so drained of energy... sleeping early does no good as the lectures slowly pound the living life out of me... my wallet has been taking a toll of a beating as well because of all the handouts as well as the books that i need... take note this is even after chok gave me all of his materials... by the way thank you so much chok... i'm still trying to find solid ground... definitely this is something that i didn't expect... this makes college look like kindergarten... after hearing the orientations given by four out of seven departments... i can't help imagine the nightmarish appearance of the examinations as well as the load that i'll have to take on for the whole year... i just have to thank God everyday that i survive for i'm quite sure this will be one bumpy ride...

revitalize

june begins tomorrow... it signifies the beginning of the end... the end of summer and well the end of one of the first vacations i have had since i started studying in Ateneo... four years of being required to attend summer as well as various planning seminars and formation seminars for my extra-curricular activities... this was my first real break... and well... i was not able to really do much... except sit back and relax... no long trips abroad... or any other place in the philippines for that matter... it does somehow seem ironic that i wasn't able to go elsewhere but i guess it also gave me time to reset my brain...

i say reset in a good way because i suddenly don't feel the rush that i used to feel before... always having somewhere to go... something to do... and perhaps this is what it feels like to bum around... something i definitely won't be doing once medschool starts... just seeing the newly made uniform in my closet makes me uneasy... surely UST will be a very different place than Ateneo despite the many Ateneo Bio majors that will be going to school there too...

somehow i've managed to step back from life during this summer and well i'm about to step back in again... it will certainly be a challenge... i just have to buckle up and pray hard that i'd actually be able to perform like my usual self... hopefully even better than before... it will take some time to get used to it again... i think my coping skills are not that rusty yet so i might just survive...

with two weeks left on the clock... i have to make sure i'd make the most out of it for it might be my last chance of enjoying what i can in my life... it's also the proper time to restore some vigor in me in order to prepare myself for the incoming school year... good luck to me and to everyone else who will be doing something new in their lives... or better yet entering a new phase in their lives...

ninth

happy ninth monthsary angelainey... welcome back too... i love you very much... it will only be a matter of time you'll be working soon and i'll be studying med... best of luck to the both of us then...

eighth

happy eighth monthsary... hope your doing alright there in australia... miss you... i love you very much angelainey...

seventh

happy seventh monthsary angelainey... happy graduation too... i love you very much...

sixth

happy sixth monthsary angelainey... i love you very much...

fifth

happy fifth monthsary lainey... you never fail to brighten up my life... i love you very much... happy chinese new year too...

happy fourth monthsary lainey... life has certainly become more meaningful because of you... i love you very much... take care always...

third

lainey... it's our third already and in that short span of time we have managed to learn a lot about each other... i'm sure that as the learning and improving doesn't stop... we will be able to manage any obstacle... love you very much...

life

life has its own pace... its own rythm... and one has to go by it... it makes you do things its way... and when you let it do that to you it limits you in a way and at times makes you frustrated... and all we do is be patient about it... and wait for it to take its course... the question is... does it have to be this way... there must be something that can be done... and maybe there is because this life isn't really detached from you... it's not some unknown force... it's actually your life... therefore you should have the right to go along it either with breakneck speed or maybe even at a snail's pace... there is mutual respect for its own rythm and yours too... there is no limit to what you can do with your life except for one thing... because in the end what matters is to always remember to treasure that one life you have... without that life... you're dead... you're nothing...

second

lainey... happy second monthsary... indeed time flies by so fast... i can still remember making the first one... each one i make... i consider a milestone in our lives... love you very much...

first

time indeed flies by so fast... without realizing it... it has just passed you... many things that have happened... too many to actually write down... but one thing is for sure... all will be treasured... lainey... here's to the first... love you very much...

agape

i really haven't gotten the time to compose my thoughts about the recent events in my life so for the past few posts i've been sharing only lyrics... for this post i'll do the same but i guess to give a little background this was from elaine who got it from jan... i find this quite significant right now especially that i've been attending a Pathways seminar headed by the community of Ang Ligaya ng Panginoon... i've learned so much from that experience that it has touched my life in a way that i can't seem to fully explain in words yet... but to summarize it all in one word i guess i have been introduced to... agape... which means divine love... this is of course in contrast to the other types... eros... romantic love... philia... friendly love... storge... instinctive love... the latter three are all human types of love... i take this introduction as a sign of my renewed faith which i will strive to make it grow... and just to go back to the song well it pretty much describes what i've gone through... the title is Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts...

I set out on a narrow way many years ago

Hoping I would find true love along the broken road

But I got lost a time or two

Wiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through

I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you

But you just smile and take my hand

You've been there you understand

It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

believe

sometimes thoughts and feelings are hard to express but in certain cases musical pieces may aid in expressing them... this is a song that i'd like to share for now...

If I Believed

By Patti Austin

If I believed in paradise

I'd swear I must be there

I'd swear I must be there right now with you

If I believed in miracles

I'd know that one was happening to me

But if I don't believe in paradise

Then miracles aren't real

Then someone tell me what is this I feel

I wanna believe it's love this time

I wanna believe my heart's not telling me a lie

But with you I can't deny

If I believed in paradise

I'd swear I'm there

If I believed in magic spells

It all would be so clear

'Cause magic spells must have brought you here

If I could see the future

I'd see if you and I were meant to be

But I dont know any magic

And tomorrow's just a dream

But something in this fantasy is real

I wanna believe it's love this time

I wanna believe my heart's not telling me a lie

I wanna believe it's love this time

I wanna believe my heart's not telling me a lie

But with you I cant deny

If I believed in paradise

I'd swear I'm there

I'm there

I'm there

If I believed.

birthday

I don't know if you remember the picture but to give you a clue... the wall behind you isn't there anymore... anyway happy birthday twinlet... take good care of yourself... and I always wish you the best... it's my blog's birthday too... it has been one good year of writing and pouring my heart out... I'm hoping for more years to share my thoughts and feelings in this blog...

reality

often times i catch myself lost in my thoughts... always thinking hard and always thinking of possible scenarios and situations... i end up with with so many different assumptions... most of which will never come true but at least one scenario becomes the most logical and rational one... you'll start believing in it so much that everything that supports it is consumed and makes the thought stronger... it will also reject anything that opposes it... it becomes alive... it becomes close to reality for a person... but this is where the line is drawn... thoughts will always remain as thoughts until it actually happens... one cannot think of reality... one can only conceptualize... trying to capture it would be trying to successfully cup water using your hands without wasting a drop... something always escapes no matter how good a person is... this is something basic and can even be relearned without philo... the limitation it has set has to be considered... closing the mind is one danger that should be avoided... it can affect so many things... as well as outcomes... being too serious can be a setback... instead of looking at what is real... it remains only at the level of what is perceived as real... it can also be seen as a way to escape reality... to run away from it... but i guess the good thing about reality is that it has its on way of checking up on you... you never know but life can hold many surprises... far too many to even think of... just there for you to experience...

instinct

it took me quite a while before i finally decided to write this post... instinct told me that i somehow should... funny thing is that i don't even know why... it does however make me wonder where instinct comes from... most often than not it is supposed to come from what is natural... or what is felt as appropriate for the moment... it also a reaction to something or at least trying to react to something... however is it what is usually chosen... people use the phrase follow your instinct thereby disarming the rational processes of the mind and completely subjecting it to that of the "gut"... what stirs from within and slowly moves outward as action... but of course this is not usually the case... as the mind is still able to control these sudden movements and prevents the person from making a mistake or doing what is right... going back to the argument that instinct is what is natural... shouldn't it be rational to say that following it would bring order... but of course this presupposes that there is order in nature or what we call natural... however it can be said that the mind is what organizes things... makes things rational... makes it orderly... therefore instinct which shuts it off brings chaos... the problem lies now in what we perceive or think as orderly... it could be possible that both instinct and mind could create order... it is a matter of how we define or probably not define order... definitions themselves are subject to this argument... are they here to help or probably here to cause more disorder... so now do you let instinct or mind decide the answer...

almost forgot... belated happy birthday to jerome...aug 8...can't believe i've known you since kinder... and to hannah... aug 9... the newest twinlet added haha...

matches

"Each of us is born with a box of matches inside us but we can't strike them all by ourselves. The oxygen would come from the breath of the person you love; the candle would be any kind of food, music, caress, word, or sound that engenders the explosion that lights one of the matches. For the moment we are dazzled by an intense emotion. A pleasant warmth grows within us, fading slowly as time goes by, until a new explosion comes along to revive it. Each person has to discover what will set off those explosions in order to live, since the combustion that occurs when one of them is ignited is what nourishes the soul. That fire, in short, is its food. If one doesn't find out in time what will set off these explosions, the box of matches dampens, and not a single match will ever be lighted. If that happens, the soul flees the body and goes to wander among the deepest shades, trying in vain to find food to nourish itself, unaware that only the body it left behind, cold and defenseless, is capable of providing that food. That's why it's so important to keep your distance from people who have frigid breath. Just their presence can put out the most intense fire, with results we're familiar with. If we stay a good distance away from those people, it's easier to protect ourselves from being extinguished. There are many ways to dry out a box of damp matches, but you can be sure there is a cure." - excerpt from Like Water for Chocolate by Laura Esquivel

this post is somewhat related to the previous... the connection may be a bit hazy but it speaks of a certain human reality that was described effectively by the excerpt above... in cases of despair or hopelessness... one tends to nurse it through wallowing in their sadness as well as accepting their fate... true enough as the text mentions... we cannot strike the matches by ourselves and we need the help of others for that... but by others meaning those who really intend to help... not those who are insensitive as well as tactless... and instead of lifting up our spirits crushes them or weighs down on them... there are people like this and they draw their power by making others feel bad about themselves... other scenarios involve being around people who are able to also pull your spirits down... obviously they aren't helpful... it may not be intentional but what usually happens is that when we are with these people... they drag us down thus further dampening the match we have... in any case whether it be self-inflicted despair or other-inflicted... the important part is the seeking... looking for that cure... as well as finding those that are indeed able to light up the match in you... if for the meantime... one cannot find or access that... i guess there is no shame in trying to keep warm by yourself as long as the context is that this is not done forever or too long because instead of helping oneself... one may end up destroying what one was protecting all along... even if the strong wind can blow out the flame... the flame still needs the oxygen that the wind carries... shielding it from the wind may actually suffocate the flame and put it out...