flex

i just graduated from the FLEX seminar... FLEX stands for Foundations of Leadership EXcellence... i thank haidee hsu from the bottom of my heart for recommending me to go to the seminar... it was a different experience... although i am not at liberty to disclose the specific details in that seminar but i can at least share some of the feelings that i went through during the seminar...

skepticism... this is the first thing that was in my mind... did i really need to go here... will it be worth it... will this really help me... i've been through so many of these... all these things were going through my mind because of my pride... my pride that i am a good enough leader... i am well equipped with the know-how already... i am able to be successful on my own... i do not need any more help... let's just say that sometimes pride can get in the way to true success... it can get in the way of reality... it can make us see illusions of contentment and of strength...

fear... i was afraid of what the other people in the seminar would think of me... i was afraid to share too much at first... i feared that they might judge me for who i really am... i was afraid that they might think of me as someone weak and needed help... i was afraid of the people there because they were all strangers... well let's just say that fear can paralyze us... it can keep us from achieving our goals... it can keep us from what we really want or what we really need...

trust... as the seminar went on... i began to trust the process... trust the people around me... i was able to let them know me... let them help me become a better person... i took in the values that were taught and tried to incorporate it in my system... i immersed myself in the experience and let it guide me... i did not resist it anymore... i just absorbed as much as i could like a sponge slowly squeezed under the water in order to take in as much as it can... it was enriching it was like slowly being filled up with these concepts although probably known to me but never felt so real...

happiness... they were right it's like experiencing a high... so much so that you'd want to go through it again... or experience something bigger than it... you'd want to take in more... to feel more alive and charged with positive energy... it gave me a new perspective in what i do... and as if overflowing the feeling that comes out next is almost predictable...

generosity... being given so much i'd want to share it too... share it with my family and my friends... all that i could talk about after the seminar was the seminar... it felt so good that i want others to feel the same way... true most people would go through the first two feelings first but once you get to the last three... im sure anyone who goes to the seminar will understand why... it will be something unforgettable... even i feel excited for those who will already be taking the seminar next week...

well that was how the seminar felt for me... this is my emotional journey during FLEX maybe these are my sentiments as i just graduated but for me this is as real as it can be... as to how long the effects will last i'm not so sure... but i'm already going to take the next course ALC... Advanced Leadership Class... can't wait to see what the next journey will be like...

scrubs

mark and i in our scrubs... this is what we were wearing during the med mission...

surgery

this is my first ever experience to perform a minor surgery... circumcision... before the surgery i was actually diagnosing patients in the medical part of the mission... i was with mark while he was getting the bp of the patients i decided to also check on a few patients as well as prescribe them medicine... it was my first time to write a prescription as well so i guess this is my first introduction to pharma as well... it seemed odd as first because we were now dealing with real people instead of the cases or fictional patients that we get in class... it was also odd that we were sort of flying solo as well because the doctor who was in charge told us that we could handle the cases and if it gets too complicated then we should consult him... to hold such a responsibility over other people could be overwhelming but since the medicine we were prescribing wasn't that dangerous we eventually got the hang of it... when we ran out of patients we were now asked to join the surgical part of the mission... mark and i were both hesitant at first because this was a very different field... one mistake and we could alter another person's anatomy forever... i thought it over and said to myself that if i don't gain any experience in this field how can i ever make it as a real surgeon... so i went up to fred who was stitching up his patient and was about to finish... he said i was next after him... so i waited until all the instruments were ready and there in front of me lay my first patient... i had a more experienced partner to guide me through this first patient... he showed me how to sterilize the area and how to inject the anesthetic... lidocaine... i have fear of poking other people with needles that is why i asked him to do it for me... but when it came to the real surgery he showed me how to cut the prepuce and up to where it should be cut... so i did... it was easier than what i initially thought... for the suturing we were to apply simple interrupted sutures... he showed me how to start the suture and then i took over... three sutures was enough to close up the wound and there wasn't much bleeding which was good... after applying the bandage the surgery was over and successful... it was a different feeling afterwards... it wasn't fear anymore but excitement... wanting to succeed in another surgery... it's like craving for more achievement... unfortunately there were no more patients... but i told mark that i wanted to try more to do more and so we decided that we would be there for the next med mission of FILCHIMSA... Gabaldon on may 18 to 20... really looking forward to helping out more and gaining more experience...

i know this is a different way of posting for my blog... usually it would be less narrative and more insight... but i guess after a hiatus of almost a year... i need some warming up hopefully i'll be able to get back my way of writing soon... by the way there is a photo of mark and i in our scrubs... i guess i can't wait for the day that we actually can wear it as surgeons...

anniversary

happy anniversary my dear lainey! time flew by so fast that it has already been a year... i thank God for all that He has done for us... i love you very very much my angelainey!

eleventh

happy eleventh monthsary! just one more month to go... i love you very much lainey!

tenth

happy tenth monthsary! i love you my angelainey!

survival

studying to become a doctor is no joke... something that has become a mantra all these years of aspiring to become one... but mantras are not enough... it takes a real experience to make the feeling more tangible... just barely two days of classes in ust medicine and i'm already staggering... i seldom get sick and when i usually do it really is a bad sign... my head has been aching everytime i get home and i feel so drained of energy... sleeping early does no good as the lectures slowly pound the living life out of me... my wallet has been taking a toll of a beating as well because of all the handouts as well as the books that i need... take note this is even after chok gave me all of his materials... by the way thank you so much chok... i'm still trying to find solid ground... definitely this is something that i didn't expect... this makes college look like kindergarten... after hearing the orientations given by four out of seven departments... i can't help imagine the nightmarish appearance of the examinations as well as the load that i'll have to take on for the whole year... i just have to thank God everyday that i survive for i'm quite sure this will be one bumpy ride...

revitalize

june begins tomorrow... it signifies the beginning of the end... the end of summer and well the end of one of the first vacations i have had since i started studying in Ateneo... four years of being required to attend summer as well as various planning seminars and formation seminars for my extra-curricular activities... this was my first real break... and well... i was not able to really do much... except sit back and relax... no long trips abroad... or any other place in the philippines for that matter... it does somehow seem ironic that i wasn't able to go elsewhere but i guess it also gave me time to reset my brain...

i say reset in a good way because i suddenly don't feel the rush that i used to feel before... always having somewhere to go... something to do... and perhaps this is what it feels like to bum around... something i definitely won't be doing once medschool starts... just seeing the newly made uniform in my closet makes me uneasy... surely UST will be a very different place than Ateneo despite the many Ateneo Bio majors that will be going to school there too...

somehow i've managed to step back from life during this summer and well i'm about to step back in again... it will certainly be a challenge... i just have to buckle up and pray hard that i'd actually be able to perform like my usual self... hopefully even better than before... it will take some time to get used to it again... i think my coping skills are not that rusty yet so i might just survive...

with two weeks left on the clock... i have to make sure i'd make the most out of it for it might be my last chance of enjoying what i can in my life... it's also the proper time to restore some vigor in me in order to prepare myself for the incoming school year... good luck to me and to everyone else who will be doing something new in their lives... or better yet entering a new phase in their lives...

ninth

happy ninth monthsary angelainey... welcome back too... i love you very much... it will only be a matter of time you'll be working soon and i'll be studying med... best of luck to the both of us then...

eighth

happy eighth monthsary... hope your doing alright there in australia... miss you... i love you very much angelainey...

seventh

happy seventh monthsary angelainey... happy graduation too... i love you very much...

sixth

happy sixth monthsary angelainey... i love you very much...

fifth

happy fifth monthsary lainey... you never fail to brighten up my life... i love you very much... happy chinese new year too...

happy fourth monthsary lainey... life has certainly become more meaningful because of you... i love you very much... take care always...

third

lainey... it's our third already and in that short span of time we have managed to learn a lot about each other... i'm sure that as the learning and improving doesn't stop... we will be able to manage any obstacle... love you very much...

life

life has its own pace... its own rythm... and one has to go by it... it makes you do things its way... and when you let it do that to you it limits you in a way and at times makes you frustrated... and all we do is be patient about it... and wait for it to take its course... the question is... does it have to be this way... there must be something that can be done... and maybe there is because this life isn't really detached from you... it's not some unknown force... it's actually your life... therefore you should have the right to go along it either with breakneck speed or maybe even at a snail's pace... there is mutual respect for its own rythm and yours too... there is no limit to what you can do with your life except for one thing... because in the end what matters is to always remember to treasure that one life you have... without that life... you're dead... you're nothing...

second

lainey... happy second monthsary... indeed time flies by so fast... i can still remember making the first one... each one i make... i consider a milestone in our lives... love you very much...

first

time indeed flies by so fast... without realizing it... it has just passed you... many things that have happened... too many to actually write down... but one thing is for sure... all will be treasured... lainey... here's to the first... love you very much...

agape

i really haven't gotten the time to compose my thoughts about the recent events in my life so for the past few posts i've been sharing only lyrics... for this post i'll do the same but i guess to give a little background this was from elaine who got it from jan... i find this quite significant right now especially that i've been attending a Pathways seminar headed by the community of Ang Ligaya ng Panginoon... i've learned so much from that experience that it has touched my life in a way that i can't seem to fully explain in words yet... but to summarize it all in one word i guess i have been introduced to... agape... which means divine love... this is of course in contrast to the other types... eros... romantic love... philia... friendly love... storge... instinctive love... the latter three are all human types of love... i take this introduction as a sign of my renewed faith which i will strive to make it grow... and just to go back to the song well it pretty much describes what i've gone through... the title is Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts...

I set out on a narrow way many years ago

Hoping I would find true love along the broken road

But I got lost a time or two

Wiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through

I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you

But you just smile and take my hand

You've been there you understand

It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

believe

sometimes thoughts and feelings are hard to express but in certain cases musical pieces may aid in expressing them... this is a song that i'd like to share for now...

If I Believed

By Patti Austin

If I believed in paradise

I'd swear I must be there

I'd swear I must be there right now with you

If I believed in miracles

I'd know that one was happening to me

But if I don't believe in paradise

Then miracles aren't real

Then someone tell me what is this I feel

I wanna believe it's love this time

I wanna believe my heart's not telling me a lie

But with you I can't deny

If I believed in paradise

I'd swear I'm there

If I believed in magic spells

It all would be so clear

'Cause magic spells must have brought you here

If I could see the future

I'd see if you and I were meant to be

But I dont know any magic

And tomorrow's just a dream

But something in this fantasy is real

I wanna believe it's love this time

I wanna believe my heart's not telling me a lie

I wanna believe it's love this time

I wanna believe my heart's not telling me a lie

But with you I cant deny

If I believed in paradise

I'd swear I'm there

I'm there

I'm there

If I believed.