passion

have you ever done something that you're surprisingly good at... and you liked or better yet loved doing it... and after which you get a sense of fulfillment... a feeling of happiness... even bliss perhaps... then probably you've found something that you are passionate about... perhaps passion isn't as mercurial as it sometimes perceived to be... it is something that you don't even have to think about... it flows... sometimes it can be messy... but there is purpose and creativity even in chaos... it feels like you're in a zone and everything that surrounds you just dances along to your beat... it may not always be easy... but it's something that you will keep doing because it inspires you to go on whether you succeed or not... it energizes you and ignites the people around you... it magnetizes and attracts people and encourages them to seek out their own... passion gives purpose to life... as it has in mine... and I am grateful to have found it... and I know I will continue to share it with the world...

for those that are still seeking it... never give up... for those who have found it... may you continue to live it out and inspire people to do so as well...

creativity

the answer lies in creativity... but where does creativity come from... in ancient times it is said to be bestowed upon by the gods thru muses... and in spirituality it is breathed upon like the Holy Spirit... probably the etymology of the word inspiration... for anything that can be created in this world... from thoughts to actions...

but as I delve deeper... I ponder as to the source of this... why begin anew... what could be its purpose... and I think the answer falls to passion or to a more profound term... love... it is with this love for the arts or music... the love for philosophy and people... that we can be truly creative... it seems logical that all things were born out of One's Great Love... and therefore solutions can come from love... however what happens when love does not exist... or when it is forgotten or lost... the tendency to ruin... to rot... to decay... all these processes begin as we begin to lose sight of love... when we do not feel its presence... its warmth in our hearts... numbness allows us to passively... while hatred actively brings destruction to what we have started or what we have created... 

however all is not lost... if love indeed stems from an unending and limitless source... then there will always be room for new inspiration and thus creation... and the goal in the end would be to probably find this everlasting fountain and stay near it... keep it close and keep ourselves nourished with this love... and any obstacles that lay before us... will become mere illusions of our fear and insecurity... and the solutions to life's problems will come with ease... as life... love continues...

just friends

There she goes again, the girl I'm in love with
It's cool, we're just friends, we walk the halls at school
We know it casual, it's cool, we're just

I don't want to lead you on
No, but the truth is I've grown fond, yeah

Everyone knows it's meant to be
Falling in love, just you and me
Till the end of time, till I'm on her mind, it'll happen

I've been making lots of plans
Like a picket fence and a rose garden
I just keep on dreaming

But it's cool 'cause we're just friends

Small talk on IM, just one word sentences
It's cool, we're just friends
If I had my way, we'd talk and talk all day, yeah

Everyone knows it's meant to be
Falling in love, just you and me
Till the end of time, till I'm on her mind, it'll happen

I've been making lots of plans
Like a picket fence and a rose garden
I just keep on dreaming

But it's cool 'cause we're just friends

Thinking about how, we're gonna say our vows
It's cool we're just friends, she walks down the aisle
Seeing my face smile 'cause now, we're more than friends

Everyone knows it's meant to be
Falling in love, just you and me
Till the end of time, till I'm on your mind, it'll happen

We've been making lots of plans
Like a picket fence and a rose garden
I just keep on dreaming

Just keep on thinking about when we used to be just friends

(La, la, la, la)
(La, la, la, la)
(La, la, la, la, la)
When we used to be, when we used to be

(La, la, la, la)
(La, la, la, la)
Just friends
(La, la, la, la, la)
When we used to be just friends

time

Fascinated by every grain of sand that falls in an hourglass...I ponder as to how significant each one is... Sometimes it feels as if the sheer quantity of sand in that container is enough to make a grain feel unimportant... I soon realize that every time a grain falls it represents part of the whole and that precious moment can never be taken away... The same picture comes to mind when you stack dominoes standing one in front of the other... if you take a piece out one can never make the whole set fall down... The connectedness of the string of events is crucial to viewing the whole... The part becomes the whole and the whole becomes the part... I say this now because much as people would want to change certain things in their lives... they will soon realize that in an effort to do so will affect everything else in their life... When one wishes to put things in their right places... certainly changes the order of how beautiful things have already been laid out... If this were true... then perhaps one has to merely wait for the right grain of sand to fall... And in that proper time... everything is perfect...

somebody loved

Somebody Loved - The Weepies
From the OST of Dirty Sexy Money


Rain turns the sand into mud
Wind turns the trees into bone
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved

Nights when the heat had gone out
We danced together alone
Cold turned our breath into clouds
We never said what we were dreaming of
But you turned me into somebody loved

Someday when we're old and worn
Like two softened shoes
I will wonder on how I was born
The night I first ran away from you

Now my feet turn the corner back home
Sun turns the evening to rose
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved

i feel bad

I should be out in that driveway
Stoppin' you
Tears should be rollin' down
My cheek
And I don't know why
But I'm not fallin' apart like I usually do
And how the thought of losin' you's
Not killin me

[chorus]
I feel bad
That I can stand here strong,
Cold as stone
Seems so wrong, I can't explain it
Maybe it's just I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb, baby I hate it
I feel bad
That I don't feel bad

I could let myself be angry over
Wasted time
And sad about just throwin' love away
Yeah, I almost wish my heart
Was breaking
But I can't lie
All I want to do is turn the page

[chorus]

Bitter, alone
I just feel it's time - time to
Move on
I just gotta move on and on and
On and on - yeah

Maybe it's just I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb
Oh baby, I hate it
I feel bad

That I don't feel bad

No, I don't feel bad

Uniform

maestro amore

Even though leap 33 has ended... Our memories will forever remain in my heart...

second anniversary

happy 2nd anniversary angelainey!!! may this picture remind us of the good times we have together!!! i love you very much!!!

ps... thanks to birdie for the idea... pictures are courtesy of the picture company at the fort...

true healing

Medical science has deemed that healing isn’t reserved only in a physical or psychological plane... It actually involves biological, psychological, and social processes... I talk about this now as I recollect what I went through in the first intensive... I was really excited to attend it so much so that I felt like nothing could stop me but alas life got the better of me and decided to challenge my resolve by inflicting me with a certain malaise by making it almost impossible to get out of bed... A part of me wanted to shrug off the spiking fever and the intermittent cough but another part wanted me to trust the natural process and let my body recuperate for the night and thus I wasn’t able to attend the first night of the first intensive...

The next day, I did feel better so much so that I was gearing up to really go to the 2^nd day of the first intensive... I had to go through one obstacle and that was the go signal from my mom... She couldn’t understand why I was so insistent on going while I was still convalescing... Her perception was that I was being stubborn and that I was pushing myself too hard that I’d eventually get sicker... The negativity didn’t help at all, it really made me doubt what I was capable of and so I let it slide past me and eventually I stood my ground and declared that I was going to OCCI...

That decision made all the difference in my road to recovery... As soon as I got there, I was instantly greeted by smiling faces and the positive energy in the room... With every greeting and every smile, I felt myself feel lighter and more confident about my condition... As I went on with the day's activities, I felt it really helped by shifting the focus of my mind instead of the sickness but to the healing process... Instead of sulking around and feeling depressed about my condition, I was getting revved up for the rest of the day and eventually it peaked during the last activity... At a certain point in all the excitement, I didn’t feel sick at all... I was helping people get through with the best of my capabilities... Living in that moment felt like I was unstoppable and that nothing could bring me down... The focus was to get through the activity and succeed 100%... We did just that as we got everyone across by focusing our thoughts in our goal...

That was my experience of true healing... It wasn’t about being sick at all but about the determination to rise above the ailment and overcome the difficulties... It was about believing in myself that I can get through it despite the obstacles and also about having other people believe in me all the way... It was also about acceptance of all the love and care of the people that were there...

Having realized this as I’m on my way to becoming a doctor, has made a real difference in how I view my profession... It certainly isn’t only about the medications and the prescriptions but about the genuine and loving human connection that brings true healing about... I thank LEAP Team 33 for teaching me this valuable lesson during the first intensive and I also say thanks in advance for the many more valuable lessons to come!!!

My Trusting Love Heals!!!

flex

i just graduated from the FLEX seminar... FLEX stands for Foundations of Leadership EXcellence... i thank haidee hsu from the bottom of my heart for recommending me to go to the seminar... it was a different experience... although i am not at liberty to disclose the specific details in that seminar but i can at least share some of the feelings that i went through during the seminar...

skepticism... this is the first thing that was in my mind... did i really need to go here... will it be worth it... will this really help me... i've been through so many of these... all these things were going through my mind because of my pride... my pride that i am a good enough leader... i am well equipped with the know-how already... i am able to be successful on my own... i do not need any more help... let's just say that sometimes pride can get in the way to true success... it can get in the way of reality... it can make us see illusions of contentment and of strength...

fear... i was afraid of what the other people in the seminar would think of me... i was afraid to share too much at first... i feared that they might judge me for who i really am... i was afraid that they might think of me as someone weak and needed help... i was afraid of the people there because they were all strangers... well let's just say that fear can paralyze us... it can keep us from achieving our goals... it can keep us from what we really want or what we really need...

trust... as the seminar went on... i began to trust the process... trust the people around me... i was able to let them know me... let them help me become a better person... i took in the values that were taught and tried to incorporate it in my system... i immersed myself in the experience and let it guide me... i did not resist it anymore... i just absorbed as much as i could like a sponge slowly squeezed under the water in order to take in as much as it can... it was enriching it was like slowly being filled up with these concepts although probably known to me but never felt so real...

happiness... they were right it's like experiencing a high... so much so that you'd want to go through it again... or experience something bigger than it... you'd want to take in more... to feel more alive and charged with positive energy... it gave me a new perspective in what i do... and as if overflowing the feeling that comes out next is almost predictable...

generosity... being given so much i'd want to share it too... share it with my family and my friends... all that i could talk about after the seminar was the seminar... it felt so good that i want others to feel the same way... true most people would go through the first two feelings first but once you get to the last three... im sure anyone who goes to the seminar will understand why... it will be something unforgettable... even i feel excited for those who will already be taking the seminar next week...

well that was how the seminar felt for me... this is my emotional journey during FLEX maybe these are my sentiments as i just graduated but for me this is as real as it can be... as to how long the effects will last i'm not so sure... but i'm already going to take the next course ALC... Advanced Leadership Class... can't wait to see what the next journey will be like...

scrubs

mark and i in our scrubs... this is what we were wearing during the med mission...

surgery

this is my first ever experience to perform a minor surgery... circumcision... before the surgery i was actually diagnosing patients in the medical part of the mission... i was with mark while he was getting the bp of the patients i decided to also check on a few patients as well as prescribe them medicine... it was my first time to write a prescription as well so i guess this is my first introduction to pharma as well... it seemed odd as first because we were now dealing with real people instead of the cases or fictional patients that we get in class... it was also odd that we were sort of flying solo as well because the doctor who was in charge told us that we could handle the cases and if it gets too complicated then we should consult him... to hold such a responsibility over other people could be overwhelming but since the medicine we were prescribing wasn't that dangerous we eventually got the hang of it... when we ran out of patients we were now asked to join the surgical part of the mission... mark and i were both hesitant at first because this was a very different field... one mistake and we could alter another person's anatomy forever... i thought it over and said to myself that if i don't gain any experience in this field how can i ever make it as a real surgeon... so i went up to fred who was stitching up his patient and was about to finish... he said i was next after him... so i waited until all the instruments were ready and there in front of me lay my first patient... i had a more experienced partner to guide me through this first patient... he showed me how to sterilize the area and how to inject the anesthetic... lidocaine... i have fear of poking other people with needles that is why i asked him to do it for me... but when it came to the real surgery he showed me how to cut the prepuce and up to where it should be cut... so i did... it was easier than what i initially thought... for the suturing we were to apply simple interrupted sutures... he showed me how to start the suture and then i took over... three sutures was enough to close up the wound and there wasn't much bleeding which was good... after applying the bandage the surgery was over and successful... it was a different feeling afterwards... it wasn't fear anymore but excitement... wanting to succeed in another surgery... it's like craving for more achievement... unfortunately there were no more patients... but i told mark that i wanted to try more to do more and so we decided that we would be there for the next med mission of FILCHIMSA... Gabaldon on may 18 to 20... really looking forward to helping out more and gaining more experience...

i know this is a different way of posting for my blog... usually it would be less narrative and more insight... but i guess after a hiatus of almost a year... i need some warming up hopefully i'll be able to get back my way of writing soon... by the way there is a photo of mark and i in our scrubs... i guess i can't wait for the day that we actually can wear it as surgeons...

anniversary

happy anniversary my dear lainey! time flew by so fast that it has already been a year... i thank God for all that He has done for us... i love you very very much my angelainey!

eleventh

happy eleventh monthsary! just one more month to go... i love you very much lainey!

tenth

happy tenth monthsary! i love you my angelainey!

survival

studying to become a doctor is no joke... something that has become a mantra all these years of aspiring to become one... but mantras are not enough... it takes a real experience to make the feeling more tangible... just barely two days of classes in ust medicine and i'm already staggering... i seldom get sick and when i usually do it really is a bad sign... my head has been aching everytime i get home and i feel so drained of energy... sleeping early does no good as the lectures slowly pound the living life out of me... my wallet has been taking a toll of a beating as well because of all the handouts as well as the books that i need... take note this is even after chok gave me all of his materials... by the way thank you so much chok... i'm still trying to find solid ground... definitely this is something that i didn't expect... this makes college look like kindergarten... after hearing the orientations given by four out of seven departments... i can't help imagine the nightmarish appearance of the examinations as well as the load that i'll have to take on for the whole year... i just have to thank God everyday that i survive for i'm quite sure this will be one bumpy ride...

revitalize

june begins tomorrow... it signifies the beginning of the end... the end of summer and well the end of one of the first vacations i have had since i started studying in Ateneo... four years of being required to attend summer as well as various planning seminars and formation seminars for my extra-curricular activities... this was my first real break... and well... i was not able to really do much... except sit back and relax... no long trips abroad... or any other place in the philippines for that matter... it does somehow seem ironic that i wasn't able to go elsewhere but i guess it also gave me time to reset my brain...

i say reset in a good way because i suddenly don't feel the rush that i used to feel before... always having somewhere to go... something to do... and perhaps this is what it feels like to bum around... something i definitely won't be doing once medschool starts... just seeing the newly made uniform in my closet makes me uneasy... surely UST will be a very different place than Ateneo despite the many Ateneo Bio majors that will be going to school there too...

somehow i've managed to step back from life during this summer and well i'm about to step back in again... it will certainly be a challenge... i just have to buckle up and pray hard that i'd actually be able to perform like my usual self... hopefully even better than before... it will take some time to get used to it again... i think my coping skills are not that rusty yet so i might just survive...

with two weeks left on the clock... i have to make sure i'd make the most out of it for it might be my last chance of enjoying what i can in my life... it's also the proper time to restore some vigor in me in order to prepare myself for the incoming school year... good luck to me and to everyone else who will be doing something new in their lives... or better yet entering a new phase in their lives...

ninth

happy ninth monthsary angelainey... welcome back too... i love you very much... it will only be a matter of time you'll be working soon and i'll be studying med... best of luck to the both of us then...