first

time indeed flies by so fast... without realizing it... it has just passed you... many things that have happened... too many to actually write down... but one thing is for sure... all will be treasured... lainey... here's to the first... love you very much...

agape

i really haven't gotten the time to compose my thoughts about the recent events in my life so for the past few posts i've been sharing only lyrics... for this post i'll do the same but i guess to give a little background this was from elaine who got it from jan... i find this quite significant right now especially that i've been attending a Pathways seminar headed by the community of Ang Ligaya ng Panginoon... i've learned so much from that experience that it has touched my life in a way that i can't seem to fully explain in words yet... but to summarize it all in one word i guess i have been introduced to... agape... which means divine love... this is of course in contrast to the other types... eros... romantic love... philia... friendly love... storge... instinctive love... the latter three are all human types of love... i take this introduction as a sign of my renewed faith which i will strive to make it grow... and just to go back to the song well it pretty much describes what i've gone through... the title is Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts...

I set out on a narrow way many years ago

Hoping I would find true love along the broken road

But I got lost a time or two

Wiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through

I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you

But you just smile and take my hand

You've been there you understand

It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

believe

sometimes thoughts and feelings are hard to express but in certain cases musical pieces may aid in expressing them... this is a song that i'd like to share for now...

If I Believed

By Patti Austin

If I believed in paradise

I'd swear I must be there

I'd swear I must be there right now with you

If I believed in miracles

I'd know that one was happening to me

But if I don't believe in paradise

Then miracles aren't real

Then someone tell me what is this I feel

I wanna believe it's love this time

I wanna believe my heart's not telling me a lie

But with you I can't deny

If I believed in paradise

I'd swear I'm there

If I believed in magic spells

It all would be so clear

'Cause magic spells must have brought you here

If I could see the future

I'd see if you and I were meant to be

But I dont know any magic

And tomorrow's just a dream

But something in this fantasy is real

I wanna believe it's love this time

I wanna believe my heart's not telling me a lie

I wanna believe it's love this time

I wanna believe my heart's not telling me a lie

But with you I cant deny

If I believed in paradise

I'd swear I'm there

I'm there

I'm there

If I believed.

birthday

I don't know if you remember the picture but to give you a clue... the wall behind you isn't there anymore... anyway happy birthday twinlet... take good care of yourself... and I always wish you the best... it's my blog's birthday too... it has been one good year of writing and pouring my heart out... I'm hoping for more years to share my thoughts and feelings in this blog...

reality

often times i catch myself lost in my thoughts... always thinking hard and always thinking of possible scenarios and situations... i end up with with so many different assumptions... most of which will never come true but at least one scenario becomes the most logical and rational one... you'll start believing in it so much that everything that supports it is consumed and makes the thought stronger... it will also reject anything that opposes it... it becomes alive... it becomes close to reality for a person... but this is where the line is drawn... thoughts will always remain as thoughts until it actually happens... one cannot think of reality... one can only conceptualize... trying to capture it would be trying to successfully cup water using your hands without wasting a drop... something always escapes no matter how good a person is... this is something basic and can even be relearned without philo... the limitation it has set has to be considered... closing the mind is one danger that should be avoided... it can affect so many things... as well as outcomes... being too serious can be a setback... instead of looking at what is real... it remains only at the level of what is perceived as real... it can also be seen as a way to escape reality... to run away from it... but i guess the good thing about reality is that it has its on way of checking up on you... you never know but life can hold many surprises... far too many to even think of... just there for you to experience...

instinct

it took me quite a while before i finally decided to write this post... instinct told me that i somehow should... funny thing is that i don't even know why... it does however make me wonder where instinct comes from... most often than not it is supposed to come from what is natural... or what is felt as appropriate for the moment... it also a reaction to something or at least trying to react to something... however is it what is usually chosen... people use the phrase follow your instinct thereby disarming the rational processes of the mind and completely subjecting it to that of the "gut"... what stirs from within and slowly moves outward as action... but of course this is not usually the case... as the mind is still able to control these sudden movements and prevents the person from making a mistake or doing what is right... going back to the argument that instinct is what is natural... shouldn't it be rational to say that following it would bring order... but of course this presupposes that there is order in nature or what we call natural... however it can be said that the mind is what organizes things... makes things rational... makes it orderly... therefore instinct which shuts it off brings chaos... the problem lies now in what we perceive or think as orderly... it could be possible that both instinct and mind could create order... it is a matter of how we define or probably not define order... definitions themselves are subject to this argument... are they here to help or probably here to cause more disorder... so now do you let instinct or mind decide the answer...

almost forgot... belated happy birthday to jerome...aug 8...can't believe i've known you since kinder... and to hannah... aug 9... the newest twinlet added haha...

matches

"Each of us is born with a box of matches inside us but we can't strike them all by ourselves. The oxygen would come from the breath of the person you love; the candle would be any kind of food, music, caress, word, or sound that engenders the explosion that lights one of the matches. For the moment we are dazzled by an intense emotion. A pleasant warmth grows within us, fading slowly as time goes by, until a new explosion comes along to revive it. Each person has to discover what will set off those explosions in order to live, since the combustion that occurs when one of them is ignited is what nourishes the soul. That fire, in short, is its food. If one doesn't find out in time what will set off these explosions, the box of matches dampens, and not a single match will ever be lighted. If that happens, the soul flees the body and goes to wander among the deepest shades, trying in vain to find food to nourish itself, unaware that only the body it left behind, cold and defenseless, is capable of providing that food. That's why it's so important to keep your distance from people who have frigid breath. Just their presence can put out the most intense fire, with results we're familiar with. If we stay a good distance away from those people, it's easier to protect ourselves from being extinguished. There are many ways to dry out a box of damp matches, but you can be sure there is a cure." - excerpt from Like Water for Chocolate by Laura Esquivel

this post is somewhat related to the previous... the connection may be a bit hazy but it speaks of a certain human reality that was described effectively by the excerpt above... in cases of despair or hopelessness... one tends to nurse it through wallowing in their sadness as well as accepting their fate... true enough as the text mentions... we cannot strike the matches by ourselves and we need the help of others for that... but by others meaning those who really intend to help... not those who are insensitive as well as tactless... and instead of lifting up our spirits crushes them or weighs down on them... there are people like this and they draw their power by making others feel bad about themselves... other scenarios involve being around people who are able to also pull your spirits down... obviously they aren't helpful... it may not be intentional but what usually happens is that when we are with these people... they drag us down thus further dampening the match we have... in any case whether it be self-inflicted despair or other-inflicted... the important part is the seeking... looking for that cure... as well as finding those that are indeed able to light up the match in you... if for the meantime... one cannot find or access that... i guess there is no shame in trying to keep warm by yourself as long as the context is that this is not done forever or too long because instead of helping oneself... one may end up destroying what one was protecting all along... even if the strong wind can blow out the flame... the flame still needs the oxygen that the wind carries... shielding it from the wind may actually suffocate the flame and put it out...

Ateneans... there is still hope. 

blur

simple things can lead to big disappointments... as time passes by and we go on with our everyday lives there are stuff that we have intentionally or unintentionally overlooked... they may be as simple as toys or personal belongings or maybe as serious and complicated as acquaintances or old friends... it's the same feeling you get while riding in a speeding car... everything outside the window is a blur while the only thing you can recognize or the only thing that is clear is what lies ahead of you... apparently this optical illusion can happen even if you weren't on a car... and it really is saddening to experience such... as i was graciously given time to think about what has been happening to me the past few days... i have realized that i was experiencing this illusion...

one indicator was this blog... i never realized that the last entry was a month ago... another reminder was my night out with HS friends... i missed that feeling of hanging out with them talking about stuff that have been going on in our lives... i also found out that when it came my turn to update them... i had nothing much to say except my work at school and blah blah blah... the same things over and over again... i can say that i'm doing something worthwhile and that i know what i'm doing but when i was talking about it... there seemed to be no clear details in the matter... the sad part is i cant even seem to update them about other aspects of my life... either they are dead or inactive or because i haven't paid much attention to them...

i have to learn the value of slowing things down... at least to the point that i can survey my surroundings and see what i may have missed... i don't intend to drop anything that i'm currently working on... it's just that i feel i owe some attention to those that i might have overlooked... given more time like this i might be able to give them some justice... that for once in my busy schedule... i have recognized them as parts of my life that needs noticing...

me in BDA with field pack (5 kilos!) :D 

*scroll right to view whole pic* (L-R) C/MAJ DELOSO, C/COL PEREZ, C/MAJ CALAQUIAN, C/1Lt PINEDA: 1Cl on Hill 370 :D

holding guns with live ammunition :D 

wonderful view on Hill 370 (Taklang Damulag) 

commendation

it's been quite a while since i last posted an entry... been quite busy lately having meetings left and right as well as lately things have been just a blur and rarely do i get the chance to reflect on new insights... fortunately i was given a sort of day off from being busy... i just came back from a trip to Nueva Ecija at Fort Magsaysay... the commanding general there is my uncle and he was hospitable enough to accommodate me and my fellow officers...

the day started at 3am when i had to wake up and go to the ADAST to report... i got there at about 4am almost and picked up the rest of the officers... luckily i had a driver with me so i was able to sleep on the way to Fort Magsaysay... it was a long three hour and a half drive and we got to the fort at about 730am where my uncle was already waiting for us... he promised us a tree planting activity and several other activities that he deemed would be unforgettable... what he didn't mention was that we had to trek for 45 minutes up a hill with an elevation of 370 meters above sea level... it is more commonly known as Taklang Damulag... anyway the trek would have been easy if it weren't for the field packs we had to carry on our backs which weighed 5 kilos... it contained rice husks which were to be used in the tree planting... after leaving the commanding general's quarters at about 830am... we were able to reach the peak at about 945am... when we got there the view was spectacular... i will post some of the pictures in this blog later... we rested a bit and started to plant trees after which we took a lot of pictures even carrying guns that carried live ammunition... after which we started on our descent which was much faster yet a little dangerous because we cut through the hill using the steep slopes as shortcuts... we got down at about 11+am where my uncle was waiting for us already to give us a tour of the rest of the fort...

well this is where i got my wonderful insight that i was able to reflect on... my uncle showed me what they were doing with the rest of the land in the fort... they were replanting the denuded forest and they had a program in which each and every soldier had to plant twenty tress as an initiation and well for every soldier that had to retire had to plant twenty trees too... this was to make sure that every soldier was able to contribute something to the beautification of the fort... they also had a drip irrigation system involved as well as their dams were able to supply water to their crops using gravity instead of pumps... it was astonishing to see what the military could do with the manpower that they had... their achievements seemed much commendable than that of DAR and DENR... considering those two are departments of the government and are run by civilians... at least the contribution of the military was not only measured in warfare... but now even in agriculture... while the civilians at the departments bummed around and probably even took advantage of the money that tax payers gave them... during the tour i couldn't help but think that the military was an underdog when it came to media bias... apparently all the media could show was their bad nature... which eventually trickles down to all the other military institutions... why haven't they bothered to show the good side... part of me was enraged that all i heard about the military was about corruption and political matters that were very discouraging... i believe my uncle is onto something here in the sense that he has showed how the military can indeed contribute to society... apparently there are people who are willing to change this point-of-view and for that i am very happy...

after the tour we went back to my uncle's quarters where we served a very sumptuous lunch where all of our viands were beef since my uncle had a cow killed... after eating he said that we had to run through the obstacle course so that it will be our passport to be able to have a marksmanship lecture in the firing range... the officers agreed but after the meal we were too full to be able to run the course so we were able to bargain to go to the firing range first before the obstacle course... it was quite a while since i last fired an M-16 but it seems that some things don't easily fade with time... i was still able to shoot with precision (had to fire three initial shots then the gun's crosshair was adjusted to calibrate it to hitting the center) and accuracy (14 shots all went to the two inner circles which represented the main target for the exercise)... the training officers recognized that we were quite good despite not having any real military training... they said it was all about the basics and after you master them you can even teach others to fire...

so that we would fulfill our promise to take on the obstacle course so that we could gain access to the firing range... we went to the Division Training Unit (DTU) where they trained the candidate soldiers (future soldiers of our country)... this is where the rappelling tower was... it stood 44 feet off the ground which according to my uncle was probably a way to fight the phobia of heights... all of the officers got a turn to rappel down the tower while our corps commander was able to go on the slide for life it was a zip line that run from the top of the tower down to the ground... you had to hold on to a handle bar and slide down to a rope which is supposed to stop you from overshooting the end line... your wrists will be tied to the handle bar just in case you accidentally let go... it looked fun... unfortunately since we weren't able to sign waiver forms we were not allowed to try it... so i promised to myself when i came back i would try it...

finally we went through the obstacle course... it was a menacing course... we tried going through most of them but some of them were really hard so we just bypassed them... at some of the challenges my muscles cramped up from the lack of stretching... but the adrenaline was still there so despite the pain i still tried the other activities on the course...

unfortunately all good things have to end... after a day of fun yet tiring activities we ended it with dinner at my uncle's quarters... again beef was served... that was a lot of protein for one day... good for muscle training... after dinner we were called one by one and given certificates of commendation by my uncle... Major General ROMEO P TOLENTINO... i'm not too sure if he would read this entry but i would like to thank him for that wonderful day... it was really nice to get the blood flowing again... as well as feel the muscles ache every now and then... it really gives you the feeling of being alive... once again thanks tito boy...

now i guess that is enough to make up for the past weeks of not being able to write anything... hopefully i get to write more often as summer is about to end...

lecture

one of the interesting activities i've been doing this week is giving leadership lectures to the 2nd class COCCs in ROTC and well i've decided to post one of the things that i shared to them today...

Lesson 15 of Colin Powell's Leadership Primer Powerpoint Presentation:
Part I: "Use the formula P=40 to 70, in which P stands
for the probability of success and the numbers indicate
the percentage of information acquired.”
Part II: "Once the information is in the 40 to 70 range,
go with your gut."

in any case i hope the statistics don't scare you but all it basically says is not to act until you are at least 40 percent sure that you are right and don't wait until you are 100 percent sure because by that time it is usually too late... in any case the second part of this post is what i consider to have a bigger significance...

Risk

To laugh, is to risk appealing to the fool

To weep, is to risk appearing sentimental

To reach out for another, is to risk involvement

To express feeling, is to risk exposing our true self

To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd,

is to risk loss

To live is to risk dying

To hope is to risk despair

To try at all, is to risk failure

But to risk we must,

Because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing

The man, the woman who risks nothing, has nothing

is NOTHING.

that concludes this post... for an added bonus try reading the poem out loud and it somehow gives you an extra feeling when you are about to read the last part as if you're proud to say that once in your life you've taken a risk and that you are not empty and that you are indeed someone...

thoughts

a thought has been lingering in my mind this whole day... it seems to have been prodded by recent conversations with friends... as i scribble down words in this entry i am able to convey my feelings as well as ideas to all of the readers... in an attempt to share with them what i possess... i have also allowed them to own these thoughts... once processed in their heads it can no longer be considered all mine... it has eventually been absorbed as part of their knowledge... as such things happen i cannot help but think that whatever notions i have expressed in this blog is open to a myriad of interpretations... even allowing some of the stuff here to be distorted by existing biases as well as to be consumed and read like any other entry... i only have control with what i place here but once placed... i have no control of it anymore... it can take on a life of its own in the minds of others... this however leaves me curious as to how other people interpret my entries... as i have no sure way to check... all i have are speculations which were made prior to writing the entry... i find it a challenge to try and lock the thoughts of my blog so as to prevent it from being misinterpreted... however since i do not have the capacity to sieve through all possible interpretations i go with the safest route in order to protect the integrity of my blog... a painstaking task but i firmly believe it to be a helpful one... in any case... i hope that further scrutiny of the thoughts i choose to place here in my blog will allow me to shape the way the reader thinks of my entries... allowing a more effecient as well as meaningful sharing...

a quote that i would like to share: "assumptions are a transparent grid through which we view the universe... sometimes deluding ourselves that the grid is that universe..."

optimism

"the tapestry of the universe is vast and complex... with infinite patterns... while threads of tragedy may form the primary weave, humanity with its undaunted optimism still manages to embroider small designs of happiness and love..."

the quote above was taken from a book that i've been reading lately... anyway i gave it some thought and i tried to figure out how i can relate... well personally i believe that in life tragedies always have the greater impact on us... in philo we even learn that trauma is what makes us think... that if something unusual happens that is when our brain starts working to assess why and how a certain event happened... it seems that there is no wonder why bad things are usually magnified out of proportion... it is through them that we are supposed to improve ourselves on... if everything were to be normal... we would all grow to be complacent... nothing will fascinate us anymore as well as astonish us... we will not wonder about anything... we will cease to think... however this also presents a problem... if we wonder about everything there would not be enough time to put anything into action anymore... therefore we have made systems in our heads that allow us to process thoughts that can automatically address "normal" issues... a ball falls and it automatically is processed as a result of gravity... therefore it is rare to ask why on certain events... i think i've strayed too far there is time for another entry regarding the process of thinking...

anyway... if tragedies are indeed necessary to teach us... then what makes us different from roadkill... what makes the human spirit different... this is where optimism comes in... despite the overwhelming problems that we may encounter... as long as we recognize that tiny beam of light called hope we are able to continue with our lives... many can plunge into darkness and keep their eyes shut thinking that by opening their eyes they will the same thing... nothing... but to those who search around enough they may see that glimmer that will eventually lead them out of the darkness... i just hope that people try hard enough to look before despair gets the better of them...

solitude

i never imagined myself to be so busy lately... it's as if it wasn't a vacation at all... today is technically the first half day that gave me some time to sort some things out... as i came home from the COA formsem i immediately had a backlog of emails to read as well as blog entries... then i stumbled upon one email that prompted a thought in my mind... the difference of loneliness and solitude...

in both cases the person is just by himself or alone... the big difference is most probably the mindset that one has... loneliness is an unwanted experience... loneliness makes a person feel bad... fear of loneliness may lead to tragedy... one may even feel lonely while in a relationship especially a bad and unhappy one... loneliness is seen as negative... on the other hand... solitude is appreciated... solitude can give clarity of mind... solitude may be used for reflection... solitude can avoid disaster... solitude is viewed as something positive...

on a more personal note... i think that loneliness can be converted into solitude... that the feeling may be turned from something negative into something positive... something destructive into something helpful... most of us who experience loneliness tends to sulk and hide in a dark corner... but then when we are in the dark how can we ever see the light of reality... that maybe on the lighter side of things being alone may be the time to reflect... especially your priorities... to think of what is really right for you in life... it is possible for people to rush into relationships as well as to pursue the wrong person for fear of not having someone... some are also afraid to get out of a relationship for fear that no one else will come along... an irony of having someone yet still feeling lonely... i guess the challenge is to really stop and think... think of the situation and assess it... find more positive opportunities as well as outcomes... to have that positive attitude to transform loneliness into solitude...

side note: i'm thankful for all the things that i've been doing for the past two weeks... it has surely given me an ample amount of distraction to place things in perspective... hopefully this may lead to the better horizon that i've mentioned in my previous entries...

priorities

wow... it's been quite some time since i last posted... but it seems that since i have time in my hands right now i'll take advantage and try to write a decent post... well so far so many events have gone by without me mentioning a word about them... first off is the COA elections... finally the results are out... i guess i have a lot of stuff to do for that and as well as my fellow officers... good luck to all of us... next there was the LS grad... congratulations to all the graduates... last was Celadon Night... congratulations to all the winners of the awards and as well as to the next set of officers... as for the minor happennings like the choir and dance troupe performances... well i believe that both groups are in good hands...

right now it seems that i might be getting a loadful of stuff to do in the future... and i would really have to rely on my gut feeling as to which one i will prioritize... i have been doing this for the past three years in Ateneo and hopefully it won't fail me in my fourth year... i've usually stuck to the decisions that i've made and sometimes it really tries to shake me whether i made the right choice or not... but i guess this is the time when i have to have faith in myself... oftentimes people might lose faith in you... they might not see the way you see... they might not think the way you think... they might not feel the way you feel... but in the end it all boils down to how much you stand up for yourself...

i had a recent conversation with jules... i told him that i strive to better myself not because i want to prove myself worthy to other people... but i strive to be better because of the people who believe in me... and well with that being said i would like to thank all those who do... especially those who not only say it but those who show that they believe in me... but of course all of this will be for naught if the one important person who should believe in you doesn't do so... and that person is you...

poem

A mighty pain to love it is,

And ’t is a pain that pain to miss;

But of all pains, the greatest pain

It is to love, but love in vain.

a friend shared this poem with me... it is by Abraham Cowley(1618-1667)... i just love the way the rhyme goes... it's like a tongue twister... the more you repeat it... the harder it gets... sometimes you feel like you're getting used to it and then...all of a sudden... you make a mistake... isn't that how love is...